we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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