Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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