2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
