You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
