Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
