somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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