Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
zippers are such a cool invention
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
