i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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