she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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