So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
