He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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