paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
