I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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