Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
