Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
