I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
