He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm passing your future prison.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I did not marry a roomba.
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