I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
