I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
