I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
