I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
