he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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