Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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