am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
