i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
