her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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