u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
