my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
