brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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