you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
