I'm really into asian looking animals
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
