you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
