i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
