im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i out mim tonsoeep
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