I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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