I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
