yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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