I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
