Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
