The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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