I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
