So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
