I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
