I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
