this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
