I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
