Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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