the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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