just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
