Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
